I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
