I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
