I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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