The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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