don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize