Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
