I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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