Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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