I'm pants shitting drunk right now
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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