Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
