very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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