The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
