Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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