why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
