u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just high enough for therapy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize