I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
