remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
