I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
