What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
