One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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