i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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