So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
