y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
