He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
