I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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