Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize