I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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