She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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