I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
please don't ironically join a cult
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