When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she looked like the before picture.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
