I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You had me at "let me see your balls"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
