I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
