You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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