I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
