I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
