Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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