So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
