theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
