you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
