a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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