I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ok first of all what the fuck
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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