Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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