I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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