mondays should just be called national damage control day
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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