I am spending my child support on dildos
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
