Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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