I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I want a musical about memes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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