She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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