I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
