She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
