i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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