My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
