i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
