There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
