I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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