My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
