woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
